All in all it has been a great week, which I’m thankful for, because I’ve spent most of it shut in one room with two rather smelly dogs while the builders knock down walls all around me. The destruction is a positive thing though as with each day that passes we are getting closer to
…There was more truth in that silence than any blog post or facebook update could ever have come close to. There was no way of parcelling it up, of telling the story, there was just a nothingness. No problem for me to solve, no battle for me to fight. And still I stayed silent.
As delighted as I was to have become a finalist, watching the banter on Twitter about the approaching Britmums Live blogging conference and the included award ceremony had the opposite effect than it probably should have done. I didn’t feel part of the community involved with Britmums Live, exactly the opposite, I felt like the one stood by the door holding a watermelon gawping (if you have never seen the film Dirty Dancing, to be honest, this metaphor is going to be utterly wasted on you).
They say that life changing events change you for the better. But nothing healthy or good has emerged from coming so close to losing Dominic. It has broken me and scarred me. It just made me so very sad, so very scared and so very lonely. But finding my way out and learning to accept that I could never have my ignorance back, that once you have felt the pain of saying goodbye you can never win back the peace that other parents seem to take for granted all around you has become part of my journey. It’s something that has woven itself into the way I see the world, see my family and ultimately see myself. It is part of everything, so it is undoubtedly part of my normal daily life.